Jul/071
i am a big old pervert
You know how I know? The Real Doll documentary I blogged about a few weeks ago is officially mainstream - when there is a Yelp thread on something, you know it's officially over, kind of like when Wal-Mart starts selling skinny jeans.
I say I'm a big old pervert because unlike a lot of other people, my reaction wasnt OMG THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN it was more fascination followed by sympathy for the extreme loneliness. I don't understand why everyone is so grossed out, have these people not been on the same Internet that I have been on for 11 years now? Have none of these people logged in any time at somethingawful or rotten.com? Tubgirl was far more traumatizing than Davecat.
The creepiest thing I've ever seen online was For the Love of Julie, this site about a woman who had a stalker. For a while, there were tons of videos up of this girl in her house and of the guy breaking into her apartment while she was out. It was really, really creepy (and of course, I looked at it all the time).
Eventually, some people called the cops out of concern for Julie (and because there were some posts hinting that the stalker was going to harm her) and they revealed that it was all fake and that the girl was an actress. The version on the Wayback Machine doesn't appear to have the videos, but I know they were there. Whoever did this did a really good job of making it as realistic as possible, of course, years later, the site now looks so outdated that no one would buy it. I can't find the post where they mention that the whole site is fake, but you'll have to trust me. I know I saw it. And you know me...I forget nothing, even if I told you I did.
Jul/073
it’s business…it’s business time!
I REALLY HATE listening to people have sex. It is creepily intimate and just totally skeeves me out. There aren't a lot of things I don't want to know and when my roommates have sex is one of them. Thankfully, I have my trusty ipod headphones and I don't fear hearing loss. I even changed my itunes so that there are no pauses between songs. Anyway, tomorrow morning I am waking up fairly early since I am going to San Mateo to eat ramen for lunch and GUESS WHAT!?
It's gonna be dance dance dance Sunday at 9:30am courtesy of Alice Deejay:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bScqQnLHKwc]
Although... I may throw in a little Tay Zonday or DJ Sammy. Immature? Probably. But fuck it. I listen to you moaning hella loud at 3:30 in the morning, you listen to my dance music. Also, my roommate was blasting those pansies Belle & Sebastian a few days ago and that is another debt that must be paid.
Jul/073
it's business…it's business time!
I REALLY HATE listening to people have sex. It is creepily intimate and just totally skeeves me out. There aren't a lot of things I don't want to know and when my roommates have sex is one of them. Thankfully, I have my trusty ipod headphones and I don't fear hearing loss. I even changed my itunes so that there are no pauses between songs. Anyway, tomorrow morning I am waking up fairly early since I am going to San Mateo to eat ramen for lunch and GUESS WHAT!?
It's gonna be dance dance dance Sunday at 9:30am courtesy of Alice Deejay:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bScqQnLHKwc]
Although... I may throw in a little Tay Zonday or DJ Sammy. Immature? Probably. But fuck it. I listen to you moaning hella loud at 3:30 in the morning, you listen to my dance music. Also, my roommate was blasting those pansies Belle & Sebastian a few days ago and that is another debt that must be paid.
Jul/077
Guys & Dolls
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I watched the infamous HBO Real Dolls (NSFW) documentary years ago and like most people, think of the Real Doll and its users as either rich sex addicts or as a punchline. But I stumbled onto this link via Jezebel yesterday morning of a BBC special (the link above will play the whole movie, which is 45 minutes long, totally worth it) made on hardcore Real Doll users expecting to be disturbed, but came away from it just feeling really sad for these guys, especially Davecat who gives us some of the movie's most cringe inducing moments, like when he "makes out" with his real doll. The British hang glider also made me feel bad, especially when you realize why he is so obsessed with his real dolls; the sad fool just hasn't gotten over the death of his momma.
Davecat was the one person in the movie that really stuck with me because I knew so many guys like him in high school and in fact, I even dated a guy very similar to him for like, six months. You know the type: uber-geeky, talks in puns & obscure movie quotes, loves British humor, insists on using British spelling and slang, complete japan-o-phile (but usually sticks to anime and japanese chicks), probably spends a lot of time playing video games and/or D & D. So, I hunted down his blog and it made me feel even worse because I KNOW if this guy had just gone to the right college he would have found the LARP/Ren Faire girl of his dreams. Or at least had sex with one. That's practically the point of small liberal arts colleges - to get nerds laid.
So, on the one hand, there's the usual feminist party line of how these guys can't deal with actual women with brains and demands and how disgusting that is but on the other hand, if these guys are so scared of relationships with actual women and would rather hang out with their real doll, then yes, get them out of the dating pool so I no longer have to deal with their bullshit. You don't want to deal with me and I sure as hell don't want to deal with you. So, really, have at it! Get your Real Doll and go to motherfuckin' town!
I mean, everyone has to get theirs and if this is how you're going to get it, then DO IT and spare us "organic" (what Davecat calls flesh & blood women) bitches your neuroses. Which is worse: guys blowing their money on real dolls or on "pick up artist" courses?
On a final note, I was blown away by how hot the Real Dolls creator, Matt McMullen is.
Total tat/skater boy hot, but still: smokin'!
Jul/071
have you seen me lately?
Jenna Jameson isn't hot anymore. Something about that makes me sad; I always thought of Jenna in her fake boobed, blonde hair, hyper tan, LA porn star hotness as frozen in time, but from the looks of it, she is freakily skinny, apparently taking beauty tips from the Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan school of unhealthy weight loss and the Meg Ryan Academy of the Study of Collagen and starting to resemble...well, just take a look :
RIP Hot Jenna. RIP. What was so wrong with looking like this ?
I mean, if JENNA JAMESON is so crazy about her looks she plastic surgeries herself into Cat-Lady-Dom, then I may as well end it all now.
Jul/072
I are huge exhibitionist nerd
Today I want to talk about how old school blogger I am. Although, a few years ago, I never would've referred to myself as a "blogger". I kept an online journal. Blogs were for losers who couldn't stop linking to articles in the New York Times because they were so boringI ; online journals were about our LIVES. So fascinating, we had to upload them for others to read.
Anyway, despite the fact that you see three posts here, I have a dark history with documenting my life on the Internet for strangers to read. It is the most stable, consistent thing in my life and every time I have tried to get away from it, I come back, even when it's in the form of "restaurant reviews" on Yelp.
So, let's take a trip! I don't know where my "archives" are (ie, a CD I burned a few years ago) but thankfully, I have Archive.org to help!
1. /SoHo/Studios/2058
Ah, Geocities. The first! The way Geocities assigned addresses was by putting you in neighborhoods and of course, I picked SoHo. Although why I picked a studio instead of a loft - I will never know. This was 1997. I started writing because I went on a date with this guy who told me he didn't like me the next day. Vincent Bellecour, you are a dickless motherfucker.
2. /members.xoom.com/strbybrn
My little online journal grew, so I moved it to this site. Nothing on archive.org except a re-direct page. that one i'll have to dig up because its where my stuff lived during my junior year of high school and it has some hilarious melodrama involving this fool. And you can see how much of a huge nerd I was about the debate team. My finest moment? When an opposing team's coach said I should "be on Law & Order". Damn right!
3. /members.xoom.com/dilatory
A crucial part of the online journal experience is starting to feel suffocated by your audience and feeling the need to go elsewhere. I think the real reason is I was reeling from the fact that Stefan (fool linked above) totally broke my little 16 year old heart and I didn't have enough money to get a haircut. Most of those links don't work except for the links page, where you can laugh at all of the corny webrings I was part of. I remember how important that stuff was to me, to the Yelpers, being rejected for a webring was akin to having someone delete your compliment. It STUNG!
4. oberlin.edu/~md
When I got to college, I made the extraordinarily stupid mistake of hosting my journal on my college server. My roommates (3 of them) hated the fact that I wrote about them online and they had a "Real World" style house meeting with me and one of my roommates said I was SLANDERING her. So, because I am a respectful and nice person, I basically stopped speaking to them for the rest of the semester and stopped eating lunch with them, which is the biggest insult you can give a college freshman, so needless to say, we did not keep in touch.
I try not to discuss other people in my online writing too much because of that incident although I doubt it would matter too much now. Fuck, 90% of Yelp would probably be deleted if you weren't allowed to discuss other users in your review. But, that was 2000 and "blogging" (or online journalling) wasn't something anybody did except huge nerds like me. I bet all those bitches have active myspace blogs right now, slandering up a storm.
5. wannabejournals.com/~valency
So, at this point, I had to move my journal somewhere. This was the year 2000 and the free server hey day of xoom.com & geocities was essentially done. My friend Anna had purchased a domain and offered to host me on it, which was awesome but I was really busy and not updating that much so she would give me weird guilt trips about not writing in my journal and then I just didn't pay. I don't need that kind of pressure!
6. nothingfeelsgood.org
I had my own domain for a while. That was fun. Archive.org has a pretty good capture of the stuff I wrote on this site, so I'm just going to link to it and let you play there. I started using livejournal in 2001 and continued to use it until the end of last year.
What I haven't mentioned is during the entire time I've had these various sites, I always had "side projects". In high school, I had these crazy angsty entirely separate websites with tons of horrific poetry and in one case, black and white photography. In college, I was totally obsessed with email, so I would make little websites consisting of snippets from my outbox. It was always for things I wanted to say, but just didn't feel like writing in my main site, because of the people who were reading or it was just..separate. It never occured to me to just keep it offline, the answer was always another site, another journal.
So what I'm saying is I can' t express myself without the Internet. What of it?
Jul/072
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
My roommate (who has the room right next to mine) listened to Michael McDonald all day today and I heard him justify this flagrant injustice by saying that he sounds like James Brown.
I retreated into my bedroom, turned on iMovie & got to work on creating this montage of Michael McDonald photos set to the hilarious deleted scene from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which Paul Rudd's character expresses how I feel about being subjected to Mr. McDonald's music.
Clearly, I have found my calling. Enjoy!
Jul/072
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
My roommate (who has the room right next to mine) listened to Michael McDonald all day today and I heard him justify this flagrant injustice by saying that he sounds like James Brown.
I retreated into my bedroom, turned on iMovie & got to work on creating this montage of Michael McDonald photos set to the hilarious deleted scene from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" in which Paul Rudd's character expresses how I feel about being subjected to Mr. McDonald's music.
Clearly, I have found my calling. Enjoy!
Jul/073
One Hot Broad
When I was in high school, there was this kid named Gregory who was pretty much your standard Knicks-obsessed, baggy jean wearing (or rather, overall with only one hook on as we did in the late 90s), black male high school student who dropped like the N-word like his life was one long Ku Klux Klan meeting. So, he talked like every other 16 year old black kid in NYC. With one exception. Instead of using the word "bitch" or "ho" like his pals, he constantly referred to women as "broads". For real, like this : "Naw man, that broad be trippin'!" It was the weirdest anachronism. Where did he learn it? Was he secretly listening to Frank Sinatra on his walkman?
In any case, I have been mildly obsessed with the word ever since. It's my favorite way to describe sassy bitches who like to make out. The word "slut" is so ugly and reminds me of girls who travel to Los Angeles and end up up making gonzo porno movies like Cream Pie Cuties 10. Broad is perfect. It makes you feel like you look like the beautiful Ms. Hayworth in the picture above. At least that's how it makes me feel.
So, 4 years ago, when I was 21, I had a mild addiction to posting and responding to personal ads on Craigslist. I had this temp job where I was so much more competent than the person I was subbing for (just by virtue of being able to use a computer and not do my nails at the desk all day) that I was able to get away with doing about 30 minutes of work and then email with hot dudes all day long. Or odd San Fransisco types who ALL work in IT (except, coincidentally, the guy I ended up dating for 3 years). So I set up this fake email account to ward off the crazies, called onehotbroad AT yahoo.com. Ha ha, I am so clever.
I start emailing with this 50 year old ex-punk rocker who tells me he is going to take me on a tour of strip joints and to a bunch of bars in the Tenderloin. Of course, this all sounds AWESOME to me. Man twice my age taking me to the sketchiest places in San Francisco that I met off the Internet? COUNT. ME. IN. We go on the date, stopping at the Gold Club, the Lusty Lady and a bunch of other places that I can't remember because I was completely and utterly wasted. So wasted in fact that somewhere between the tenderloin and north beach, I break my left foot and don't feel a fucking thing.
A few weeks later, I am house bound in my third floor walk up in the Mission, going stir crazy and rocking a gigantic plaster cast and as usual, decide to entertain myself by posting an ad on Craigslist, asking for correspondence. I get a flood of emails, one from my 50 year old friend, who proceeds to write me about the night we had (not knowing it was me he was writing to) in his usual verbose, exaggerated fashion. I mostly skim it until I read one part, in which he claimed that I had "mis-represented" my looks by calling myself a "hot broad" in my email because I was such an obese cow. Because you know, email addresses are things to be taken seriously. I am often surprised that Laura isn't a penguin, but actually a woman. Odd.
I never wrote to him or responded to any of his messages ever again. But I do continue to call myself a hot broad, at least on ebay, where it matters most. For this blog, I am SHARP, because I want to climb the blogosphere ladder based on my ability, not my sluttiness. I hope it can be done.