Aug/075
just stopping by to show you some love
I know what you all want.. a Myspace survey! OMG! All answers 100percent serious.
58 girl confessions
01. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
I'd rather they punch me in the face.
02. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?
Uh, have you met me? Short! Preferably something that resembles a sack. 
Actually, that is a lie. That dress is an exception rather than rule. I am on the hoochie side of fit spectrum. I like announcing to the world that I eat on an extremely regular basis. And that I have an awesome rack.
03. What would you do if you received a long love letter?
I'd write back, Shut up you faggot bitch!
04. Group dates or single dates?
Group sex. Clearly.
05. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?
no, I act different around my friends. I only hate it if they suddenly act like I'm worthless to them.
06. Are diamonds a girl's best friend?
Diamonds are disgusting and tacky. And we all know that a girl's best friend is her internet enabled cell phone.
07. Is your hair up or down today?
Down and resembling a bird's nest. The usual.
08. Do you straighten your hair?
No. A)I am lazy and B) I like the entire world to know how crazy I am. My hair reflects that.
09. What is your can't-live-without-it makeup item?
This isn't technically a makeup item, but my eyelash curler is the best 14 dollars I have ever spent on something so enormously useless. And it always scares dudes.
10. Do you get your nails done?
Yes, I participate in this weird bougie ritual. They always last approximately .5 seconds.
11. Small or large purses?
Large-ish for the every day, delightful little clutches for everything else.
12. In your purse, what are your must haves?
Lip gloss, keys, debit card, ID, SK
13.Jeans or skirts?
This might blow your mind... a jean skirt!?
14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
I like everything from above my hips to be tight, so yes. Anything else makes me feel weird and blobby. My feet and legs are really weird, so despite my knowledge that I have legs that resemble tree trunks and that I should always wear something with height, I usually puss out and wear comfortable shoes.
15. Do you text message a lot?
Why don't you ask Vegan Produce Guy?
16. What would you do if you got pregnant?
Probably leave the dude an inappropriate yelp compliment/myspace message about it. After sending out a twitter update about it, of course.
17. Name something you do that is decidedly non-girly.
I am uncomfortable with all this talk of traditional gender roles.
18. Do sad scenes in movies & commercials make you cry?
Yes.
19. Whats your favorite color?
Black. It's the new black.
20. Heels or flats?
I love how heels look and really wish I had more internal fortitude to wear them, but I usually go with flats or kitten heels. A few years ago, I was REALLY into club kid type platform type shoes. I should bring that look back.
21. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?
Never. You never know when you'll meet Mr. Right!
22. Walmart or Target?
Target is the only answer.
23. Do you wear shirts with colors?
Whoever wrote this question must've gotten really lazy.
24. Do you like preppy boys?
Yes. One day, I'll have my very own...Brad from Marketing. I can't wait for us to "connect" and "touch base" and go over "customer relationship management".
25. do you think lip gloss is the best?
OMG TOTALLY!!!!!!!!
26. Do you own any big sunglasses?
My glasses make it impossible for me to cash in on this trend. I can live with that.
27. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Waking up alone takes me about 45 minutes. Let's not go down this road. Some things are sacred. And really embarrasing.
28. Do you like to wear bandaids?
Yes?
29. Do you like skater boys?
I feel like I'm in a time warp to 10th grade.
30. Do you often wish there was something you could change?
No. Long live the status quo.
31. Gold or silver?
Gold for teeth (clearly)
Silver for the wedding ring I shan't be wearing
But on the real, I like fake costume jewelry.
32. Do you like to receive flowers?
Oh totally. But not fake virtual flowers. Email me for my address. NO SERIOUSLY.
33. Do you like surfer boys?
Cowabunga, dude!
34. Do you dress up for the holidays?
Yes. Someone has to bring some class to my family functions.
35. Do you like to wear dresses?
I actually prefer it on most days. I just always wear tights and sometimes the thought of putting those on is exhausting.
36. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
Guys aren't confusing. It's more confusing that I can be a supposedly smart woman and continue to put up with some of the shit that I do.
37. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?
If by "hung out", you mean "had sex for money", then yes. I have.
38. Would you date a guy shorter than you?
Never. I am a 10. I deserve a 10.
39. Do you like to hold hands?
Holding hands often gets in the way of walking and I got places to go and people to see, so stop being a girl and let go of me!
40. What is the youngest age in a guy you would date?
14. That sounds about right.
41. What is the oldest you would date?
69 (hahahahahaha)
42.Whats the first thing you notice about a guy?
His investment portfolio, is it you know, diverse?
43. Is it hot when guys sweat?
Isn't B a direct result of A?
44. What is the best personality feature in a boy?
Rock hard abs
Giant penis
Oh, and sense of humor
45. Do you like making eye contact?
I prefer to keep my communications via AOL Instant Messenger and SMS, so no.
46. Would you kill for chocolate?
If it came from Delessio or Charles Chocolates, I might think about it.
47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
I might spend about 10 minutes, but any more than that is typically worthless.
48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?
OMG MOST FUN EVER! It's almost as fun as trapping your boyfriend into marrying you. Or drinking Chardonnay while in your bubble bath, reading Laurell K. Hamilton novels while slowly crying yourself to sleep.
49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite shows?
Nope, not thanks to to the lovely internetz.
50. Do you yell a lot?
If I am drunk.
51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work?
I own over 100 pairs of Juicy Coutoure sweat suits. I prefer to call it "lifestyle apparel"
52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
If a guy truly cared about my clothing enough to decide to date me, I'd probably realize he was a total homosexual and cease pursuing him immediately. Guys don't care. I've had successful dates in vintage curvy housewife dresses and fishnets and then in ratty jeans and a novelty shirt. Straight dudes don't really care.
53. Do you write a lot of mushy love p
oems?
yeah, that's what I'm doing whenever I'm not filling out myspace surveys. my days just fly by!
54. How many of your girlfriends do you have on speed dial?
What is speed dial? Does the sidekick have that?
55. Do you fall in love easily?
Oh totally. Underneath this smart ass exterior is the biggest sap you have ever met. And underneath that is a killer, so don't fuck with me.
56. Do you have cramps?
Oh that's right! Women are always on the rag.
57. Do you think you have the best friends ever?
Yes.
58. Do you consider yourself pretty?
I could be a part time model.
Aug/070
So You Wanna Be My Boyfriend?
My very good friend Stephanie, who has known me since I was a 17 year old online journaller, keeps this list called "So...You Wanna Be My Boyfriend?" that she updates every few years. My girl's got her shit on lock down these days, so I can't show you her list, but it's awesome. The following is mine.
1. Do you actually like me? This may seem obvious, but is not. You'd be surprised.
1a. What I mean is: do you actually like me? Or just the IDEA of me?
2. Do you understand and agree that my compulsive internet usage is a charming idiosyncracy and not a serious time sucker? (This is a yes or no question)
3. Food. It's kind of a big deal (I fucking hate that movie, by the way). How do you feel about going to places that are totally out of the way just because I "heard" they were good?
3a. On that same tip, how do you feel about doing things on the fly and without really thinking about them? Like, you know, going on a crime spree?
4. Are you too cool for karaoke?
4a. Get the fuck out of here right now.
5. If I, by some magic stroke of luck (or rather, some alcohol), politely request we engage in sexual relations do you:
a) ignore my request and instead continue to talk for hours *
b) ignore my request and continue downloading 1,000 torrentz *
c) look at me and say, "but pokemon will be on in only 5 minutes!" *
d) stop whatever you are doing and say, LETS DO THIS!!!
6. Do you have a sense of humor? Do you realize that I'm the funny one, not you?
7. Please list your top three favorite:
-books you had to read for school
-records from when you were in high school
-foods
-evenings in your life
8. Are you one of those people who thinks that smart phones and ipods are contributing to the decline of our civilization?
8a. GET. OUT. NOW.
9. If we are making out for the first time, do you stop the make out and say "Oh wow, I can't believe I'm making out with a hot Latina!?" *
10. I like to drink. You pretty much have to like it, too. Sorry.
11. Communication. Can you do it?
11a. No seriously. Can you?
12. How do you feel about pop culture? Do you lump everyone who watches tv and reads celebrity gossip blogs into one giant, uneducated, unsophisticated blob of automatons who are all waddling around like the stock image fat people on CNN?
12a. You know the drill, dude. I can't believe your ass is still here.
13. Do you enjoy crazy nights out to be followed by a day of hermitude complete with marathon DVD viewing and takeout, only to emerge at 8pm and do it all over again?
EXTRA CREDIT:
A. Make me a mix tape! Or 4. *
B. Tell me something else nobody knows about you.
C. Don't be a douchebag. You should know what this entails.
* = true story
Aug/071
i had the biggest party EVER
So, after complaining on Friday afternoon about how OMG MOST BORING WEEKEND EVER, I ended up at this Burning Man partylast night. I felt very underdressed (especially since i still had my drone clothes on) and frumpy (because of Sir Cam Walker but as the night wore on, I just stopped caring. Especially after I got a chair massage, where the old hippie working on me actually responded to my request for pressure. I have an overactive brain that runs at 100 miles a minute and it all manifests itself in the warzone that is my shoulders. A good massage for me is basically a well choreographed beating. If I wanted a rub down, I'd get a boyfriend.
Anyway, after the 10 minute chair massage, I felt totally relaxed and was able to have fun. The house music they were playing in one of the rooms was great and made me wish more than ever that I could be done with this godforsaken injury and be able to dancedancedance. But, alas, I had to settle for the chair dance.
At around 2:30am, these two total hoochies/Girls Gone Wild types with insane fake tans sat next to me and promptly began to have sex with each other. I am happy people are that comfortable around me. Something about me must scream : PLEASE HAVE SEX NEXT TO ME. The best part was when the guy they were putting on this little show for started to look up at the sky and thank god for his good fortune. Yes, sir. How lucky you are. Now please take this show back to your SUV. The rest of us are trying to radically express ourselves here. Kthx.
Aug/070
in the night, in my dreams i talk to you
My blog posts lately have resembled long IM conversations with myself. I apologize.
6:12am, I am ignoring the fact that I am back at the cube farm in a few hours.
I was going to post something making fun of the Bicycle Music Festival that I accidentally attended part of at Dolores Park on Saturday except I re-read their mission statement and it doesn't seem that funny anymore. Oh yeah, except that part about how their "bicycle based music" is the ultimate democracy. Or as they say, "With the power of audience veto built in to the festival, it quite literally puts all the power in the hands (and feet) of the audience: democracy at its healthiest you might say."
I might say that, but I won't.
Ride your fuckin' bike if you want to, I don't care but the whole thing (especially the awful song lyrics about the bike revolution) just made me want to drive. Mostly because I am very contrary. And because I think mass transit is more important.
I BRIEFLY contemplated following the bike music festival to gestalt haus (their next spot) to pick up some environmentally friendly booty, but then I realized I'd have to talk to them, so I got drunk at Fly Bar instead.
I prefer skateboarders and reckless drivers, anyway.
Aug/070
my bedroom
The "Advanced Shake Reduction" setting on my camera rules. This picture looks good.
This is my room, where the magic happens. Or rather, my bed, from where I write almost all of my blog entries. Yes, I have that same IKEA bed frame every single woman my age has. My room is very girly and scares off everyone who comes in here. Mission accomplished!
Aug/074
adventures of vegan produce guy
My nap only sleep schedule ROCKS, you guys. Especially when I chase my dinner with Norco the world's most wonderful opiate and sleep from 9pm-2am. Woo! Move over Vicodin, there's a new pain killer love in my life.
I write to you today, dear Internet to share a link with you. A link so painfully close to something I have been experiencing in my own life that I refuse to close it out of my Firefox tabs out of fear that I will never see it again. It is from McSweeney's, and can be accessed in its entirety here. It is called Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life.
This is my absolute favorite part:
12:50 p.m. Customer comments on "Go Veg!" sticker, which is on my water bottle under counter. I give short discourse on Marxist view of man-vs.-animal struggle, especially as it pertains to bovine lactation exploitation. I "accidentally" spill his container of feta on floor. He informs me he will no longer shop here. I congratulate his grass-roots activism against the grocery industry.
--
I only wish I had been funny enough to think of something like this first. I think if my personal vegan grocery store cashier guy (or produce guy, actually. VPG for short) were to keep a journal of his interactions with me, it might go something like this:
30 July
Hung out with Maria tonight. Had to hold back my tears as she destroyed the environment with the three cigarretes I watched her smoke on her stoop. Almost lost it when she told me what she had had to eat that day. Left some brochures for her in a copy of Lucky Magazine I saw in her room. Wish she would stop buying things. She showed me some things she bought at some big box store and I reminded her that capitalism creates products she doesn't need and that by buying these items, she participates in the machine. She responded by punching me in the face. But, it reminds me: I must let her borrow my copy of No Logo.
Anyway, VPG and I have a relationship based on mild antagonism (for what I'm sure are obvious reasons), so he will for sure counter with some kind of joke about my meat-eating, US Weekly reading, lame sitcom watching ways. I predict that our several months long text message flirtation will end soon anyway, as he is moving on to Super Hippie Land (aka a co-operative grocery store rather than the giant corporate place he works at now) and will for sure find some chick named Rainbow Giver and they will live a wonderful, morally uncomplicated life of bike riding, raw food and composting. And that is okay.
I doubt Rainbow Giver will leave the lyrics to Buy You A Drank on his voicemail, though. Then again, most women don't appreciate misogynistic, offensive rap lyrics as much as I do.