Jul/090
Break It Down Again
I have been obsessively listening to Tears for Fears Break It Down Again, the way I obsessively listen to anything when I am troubled. And right now, I am deeply troubled. But, when have I not been? Chronic depression means more wasted time than normal, more paralysis, more fear. I thought all my setbacks were making me stronger, but instead they are just doing the opposite: they're making me cower and all the what-ifs that go through my head are becoming more and more elaborate.
Junot Diaz wrote a story in his first collection called Aguantando, which means putting up with it, which is a Dominican way of life if I've ever seen one. That's what we do in my house: you put up with it, you live with it. In my family, this means hoarding medicines until you really "need" them and never expressing any displeasure because don't you know how lucky you have it?
You, with your college education, lo aguanta in your own way: you repeat all the self-help maxims, follow all the new-age tricks: cut out sugar, cut out alcohol, relax, take a deep breath, make your fucking gratitude list, act like the chemical imbalance in your brain is something you can help and something you can fix. Pain is life, la vida es dura, life is full of suffering, in any language, in any religion, all this equals: put up or shut up.
And shut up I do, until it rises and curdles, like spoiled milk in coffee, till I can't ignore it, till it's all I can think about. At these moments, I think about my depression like someone I have to run off the road, knowing that at any point, it's just going to re-start and chase me back down until it catches me again. It's my lurker, ready to strike at any time.
Jul/090
Potential Titles for MTV's True Life
While Not Sleeping, I came across MTV's page for True Life episodes they are currently casting. Here are my favorite real ones:
I Have Digital Drama (more tales of Revenge Porn!)
I'm A Racist
I'm Polyamorous (wolfshirts!)
I Don't Like My Face
I'm Dating A Cougar
I Have A Hamptons Share (NYC Prep 2.0. Probably a bunch of people who work in PR. There will be some kind of commentary over who takes the Jitney or who drives. Whatever. Nothing will beat "I have a shore house")
Ones I'd Like To See:
I'm A Spammer
I Work At The DMV
I used to have a real personality, now I post photos of my kid's bowel movements on Facebook
I work at TMZ (possibly a combined paparazzi episode?)
I live in a residential hotel
I'm a drug dealer
I think I'd like True Life better if it were on HBO.
Jul/092
Put on Duran Duran & U2
Today, I'm thinking about mixes and compilations of music. I very rarely make them these days, except for people I actually like. Considering the amount of mixes I've made, I've received very few in return.
Here's one I made for a boy in 2002:
1. the rapture -- out of the races and onto the tracks
2. the vaselines -- you think you're a man
3. the magnetic fields -- take ecstasy with me
4. ben lee -- cigarretes will kill you
5. the dismemberment plan -- the ice of boston
6. quasi -- california
7. rufus wainwright -- greek song
8. elliot smith -- picture of me
9. built to spill -- fling
10. jeff buckley -- i want someone badly
11. james -- laid
12. the get up kids -- beer for breakfast
13. pavement -- cut your hair
14. spoon -- i didn't come here to die
15. the pixies -- where is my mind?
16. mazzy star -- fade into you
17. velvet underground -- pale blue eyes
for AA
April 9, 2002
here's one i made for no apparent reason, probably around the same time:
this summer, i want to read foacualt
don't change your plans -- ben folds five
nashville -- liz phair
viva anger, viva hate -- rainer maria
valency -- the spinanes
bang and blame -- rem
rasberry rush -- the promise ring
a dozen roses -- braid
80 windows -- nada surf
the company dime -- the get up kids
that joke isn't funny anymore -- the smiths
seal my fate -- belly
pictures in an exhbition -- death cab for cutie
easy mark -- nerf herder
canadian girlfriend -- the dakota smith
what's your take on cassavetes? -- le tigre
lovesong -- the cure
get the time -- the descendents
monkey -- counting crows
terrible/perfect -- built to spill
and here's one that i said was for the "uptown girl" but god knows if i remember who the hell "uptown girl" was:
tape that was SUPPOSED to be
for the uptown girl -
Side A :
cruel : tori amos
medieval people : helium
kiss off : violent femmes
i think i'm paranoid : garbage
how can i sing like a girl? : they might be giants
superman : glitterbox
wake me up before you go : wham!
one of these days: op ivy
Side B :
(ben folds five messiah megamix)
don't change your plans
your redneck past
regrets
fair
kate
hospital song
army
lullaby
Jul/090
i'm not gaaaay anymore
1. Watch this:
2. Which turned into this and then morphed into this thing of amazing remix beauty:
Cheesy video that looks like a straight up Japanese karaoke video plus Internet nerdiness plus dance-y remix = everything I love and that makes me happy. You people in relationships have each other, I have YouTube.
[Via Psycho Letters From Men]
Jul/092
Tumble Less, Blog More
The problem with spending most of my time blogging for a place that's so niche is I run across so many interesting things all day and I have nowhere to put them. Tumblarity is an abusive relationship and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me just a tad to post something there and then have no one like it. It's too much, ya'll. My fragile heart can't take it. So I'm going to try to post stuff here, where it is less important to receive validation. This blogging thing is such an addiction. When will I ever stop?
My headline today reads like a dieting thing. I will blog-diet my way to a more... readable Internet persona? What does Internet fame even get you these days? Besides a blog that analyzes your every move and has dozens of people calling a normal sized woman fat for not having visible ankle bones? Speaking of cankles (as someone who has a pair), I was SO HORRIFIED when I learned that term. Great, one more thing to be judged on. Trust me, I do not care about that at this point, but I do admit that I don't ever wear shoes with ankle straps.
Anyway. What did I come here to talk about again? Oh, here, a few interesting things of note:
1. Why We Keep Dying.
I'm not cool enough to know who Dash Snow was, but apparently he died and a lot of people have things to say about it. This is an interesting blog post on how drugs keep killing people off in "the scene" and how angry the writer was at Dash for leaving a daughter behind.
2. Mixtapes for Hookers celebrates Mary Magdalene, one of my favorite ladies to study.
3. Amazon bought Zappos. I'm only telling you this because apparently everyone on Twitter feels it is their duty as an Internet Citizen to tell you this. Now I'm also telling you.
My favorite, favorite thing today is something I did post over at BravoFan. It's Padma Lashkmi in Glitter, the Mariah Carey movie! The movie so bad that even watching it in college, WITH A FORTY (yes, you were there too once) wasn't enough to salvage it. It was turned off in about 30 minutes. Anyway, here it is. I love the "80s" music at the beginning:
Jul/090
Birthmothers, Squirrels & Musicals
1. So, as most of you know, I am currently living with my family. This is going mostly okay, except that the commute normally takes about 2 hours because none of the places I actually want to go are close to either of the bus stations that NJ Transit will take me to. However, I have spent some time googling "How to deal with controlling people."
One thing I've noticed is that that my aunt and grandmother seem to think we are living in a real life musical. They will burst into song at very strange moments, like during a lull in the conversation at dinner. No choreographed dancing, Not yet.
2. My latest reality obsession is "16 & Pregnant" which follows in the great MTV tradition of True Life, Engaged & Under-age, and Made. While I hate the Juno-like graphics they use for the show (yes, we get it, Juno is the end-all, be-all teen pregnancy signifier from now until forever), the show is actually fairly realistic. The MTV reality shows always feel so genuine, with so little branding and producer involvement (from what I can tell). The best one so far has been the last one, where the couple gives the baby up for adoption. There's a lot that can be said about class about all these episodes, and this one in particular, but I'm not going to beat you over the head with it. The couple in this one were so mature, self-aware, and ultimately doing the right thing, I think.
As I always do with my obsessions, I immediately went online to read more about the 16 & Pregnant girls and stumbled upon yet another online community of people I never knew existed: the "birthmother" movement. Apparently, there's a whole bunch of adopted kids and women who've given their children up for adoption who are really against the whole thing. The most off the wall was this Exiled Mothers site. I think whenever you see a site with design that is at least 10 years old, the more insane the content.
I understand what this woman is saying, and there are aspects of adoption that are fucked up, like the underlying premise is that only rich people should have kids, or coupled people, but it is a real option for people who can't or won't have an abortion, but can't raise kids at the moment. I think the couple on 16 & Pregnant just wanted to break their particular cycles and not bring children into what was not the best situation. I also read a few blogs of adopted kids who tried desperately to find their birth parents, only to be rejected. There's a lot of real trauma there, on both sides. I'm not going to pretend to understand either side from anything but the most abstract sense.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1MiWbZaXL0&hl=en&fs=1&]
3. A squirrel found their way into my house through the chimney on Saturday. He/she was freaking out and trying to escape and pretty much trashed the living room. Eventually, the squirrel found its way out the front door. It was so strange. Do squirrels have rabies? Do they feast on human flesh or just acorns? Now I stare at the fireplace, wanting to see if any more of those sneaky bushy tailed things are going to roll back in here.
Jul/092
Taco Tuesday
Last night, after going to the opening of a high end tattoo shop (story tk on Bitchbuzz) that was sponsored by Hpnotiq, the older cousin to Alize, a drink I'd previously only had at a strip club, I spied Yelp to tell me where I could get food. I had to walk across 22nd street to go meet my cousin at Mr. West, a "lounge" (to me, it is a club, but what do I know about these things? Nothing.) and I filtered my results to be within 2 blocks and with only one dollar sign.
From there, emerged a pizza place with the name Giant Burrito. I was skeptical, but a reviewer from San Francisco gave it high marks for its tacos, so I took the plunge. I asked for the "taco de la casa," which had all three meats: al pastor, pollo asada, and carne asada. It also came with guacamole, onions, and of course, cilantro. The lady asked if I wanted "chile" and duh, of course I did.
About 5 minutes later, I was handed a pile of meat on top of two warm corn tortillas with a lime on the side. No pickled vegetables, but I could deal. I liked it so much I ordered another. I smelled like onions for the rest of the night, but I didn't care. All week, I had been yearning, in a way usually reserved for guys who don't like me back, for a piece of California. And then I tasted it.
I'll be back home someday.